Loving through Listening

This year, I have taken on a new side-profession as a transcriptionist.  I listen to interviews and write down every word I hear. 

At first, my hope was to supplement my income a bit - to cover those incidental expenses that often come up.  But I didn't expect to receive another education on top of it.

I am learning the art of listening.  I am learning how greatly people need to be listened to. 

Listening seems so passive, doesn't it?  And in our culture, where we value doing, accomplishing, performing, listening doesn't really seem to matter. 

One day while transcribing, I heard something that the interviewer was doing with the people he interviewed.  He did what I think of as a tonal "lean-in" - something like, "Yeah? Really? Tell me more about that."

The interviewee spoke, telling a story, unfolding a few details.  The interviewer said something to the effect of, "No way! Well, when that happened, how did you feel? Did you feel angry, or were you kind of relieved?"

And this change gradually came over the interviewee - I heard it in the relaxed tone she started to have.  I heard it in the way she let the story flow.  I heard it in the way she started to let the interviewer in, to see a little more of who she was. 

It wasn't that the interviewer thought of good questions to ask - although he did.  But what he communicated through his attitude, through his tone, was, "I care. Tell me more.  I find you interesting, captivating.  I want to know your story. I am on your side.  You are a valuable person with dignity."

Thanks to psychology, we know the tricks that can help people to open up and to feel comfortable.  Counselors know them.  Car salesmen know them.  But what if we set aside the tricks and make them true? What if we learn how to look at each person this way - to really look, to really see the value of each person, to see a way in which that person is captivating.  To be able to listen to them, for the five-minute bus ride or the hour long coffee meeting, and to love them through listening? 

I have been listening to interviews and thinking about how I have conversations with people in general.  And I have learned that, to be a good listener, I have to let go of myself.  Which means - maybe the other person is captivated by scuba diving, and I know nothing about it at all - well, I need to let go of my world of knowledge and interests for that moment and enter into the world of scuba diving. 

Letting go of yourself also means that you are putting your listening ear to work for the other, meaning giving your full attention to the person, and to the conversation at hand.  This is often hard to do, suspending your attention, list of to-dos, and to be fully present.  But people can feel the difference. 

Listening also demands good, thoughtful responses - a sign that you have really been paying attention and that you are engaging with what the speaker is telling you. 

What would happen to our homes, our neighborhoods, our communities, if we took the time to listen carefully and to look carefully at the people we meet each day, to love them through listening?