Pride and Prejudice, Social Media, and the challenge of Waste or Wisdom

Pride and Prejudice: It is a truth universally acknowledged that, like, a majority of other women, I claim it as a favorite book. No matter what stage I am in my life, the story teaches me new lessons and gives me new insights.

This year, I am learning from it the challenge of - Waste or Wisdom? Character or Caricature?

There are several pairs of characters in the novel, I've found, who share certain baseline personality traits.The one who chooses wisdom is the one which Jane Austen makes into a main "character," and who occupies greater serious space in the novel. The character who chooses waste plays the role of comical figure or "caricature" in the story.

Mr. Collins

Mr. Darcy

Mr. Darcy and Mr. Collins, for example - both have a certain desire for social superiority, a trait which Elizabeth Bennett finds ridiculous in Collins and arrogant in Darcy. At first, they both seem headed for the "Caricature" waste pile, filled with too many blatant quirks to be true serious characters.

Mr. Darcy believes so strongly in the superiority of rank, that he is truly baffled when he encounters Elizabeth Bennett and finds her witty and strong in personality and character - things which, somewhere in his life, he learned that he would probably only find in aristocratic circles. Through his experience, through facing humiliation in being rejected by Elizabeth, he starts to rethink his own worldview, and finds that he has something to learn.

Mr. Collins, on the other hand, runs the same hamster-wheel throughout the novel - first groveling to his "esteemed patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh," later, trying to win the hand of "his fair cousin" Elizabeth, and finally, when he finds that association with his Bennett cousins might not help him socially, decides to reprimand them and distance himself from them. In the end, he has stuck with the belief that one's social standing determines their worth. He is stuck in one particular way of thinking, and acting.

Then we have another pair with similar qualities - Elizabeth Bennett and Lady Catherine de Bourgh. They share in common a quick wit and intelligence, a strong will, and a confidence in their own judgments.

Elizabeth sees Mr. Darcy a few times in social settings, hears a story about him from the captivating stranger, Mr. Wickham, and determines right there that he is a villain and should be taken down. Despite her quick opinion on this matter, she does take it upon herself to hear more than one opinion, to see him in various settings, and later decides that her earlier prejudice was wrong.

Lady Catherine, on the other hand, is used to being listened to and doesn't have her opinions challenged. The quick judgments she makes - whether it is the state of Mr. Collins' closets needing shelves, or the fact that Elizabeth is insolent and brazen, aren't open to reconsideration. Once she has made her mind up, she is infallible.

Where Elizabeth learns humility throughout the course of the novel, Lady Catherine sticks with her prejudices and learns nothing.

What does this have to do with anything?

One day, I realized that life is filled with the challenge of Waste or Wisdom, Character or Caricature. The problem is, it's easy not to recognize this challenge until it's too late. 

We all have areas of our hearts and characters that can become stuck, so that we resemble stock characters: "The Gossip" - "The Video Game player" - "The Flirt" - "The Bossy Know-it-All", "The Drama Queen" - etc. etc. etc. 

One day I realized: Jane Austen's novels are not reality, but reality is like them, in that I can choose whether I want to be a person who changes and allows the rough edges of my character to evolve and adapt and grow in wisdom, or stagnate. 

Do I want to be Mrs. Bennett, drawn to drama, gossip, and self-pity because of the cheap thrills provided within her social circle, revolving incessantly along the same problems of husbands for her daughters and poor nerves - - OR do I want to be a Jane Bennett, who lives in her community, quietly receiving hurts or disappointments, and choosing to spend my time radiating generosity and care for others? Do I want to be a Mr. Wickham, who uses his personal charm to win supporters only for his later selfish gain? Or would I rather be a Mr. Bingley, who employs his natural affability to win friends and build community? 

To carry these reflections a little further, do I want to spend my life trolling the murky backwaters of social media, piggy-backing on the lives of others, letting the minutes and hours slip away in uselessness while I wake up every morning thinking, "I would like to do something great, but what is it?" 

Do I want to waste hours, days, years of my life mulling over situations in the past that went wrong, trying to airbrush them in my mind to better versions of  themselves?

Do I want to waste five, ten, fifteen or twenty thoughts of my day criticizing bad drivers, rude people, mean people, lazy people, wrong people, hypocritical people, when there is not a single thing I can do to change any single person but myself, who remains un-examined and unimproved? 

Do I want to waste days and months wondering about which causes to fight for, which good works to do, which people to care for - or do I want to actually get out there and serve, and give? 

I know many friends (including myself!) who secretly indulge in the suspicion that they might be a modern Elizabeth Bennett .

However, if I were totally honest, my greater fear at times is that I am resembling a Mrs. Bennett, a Mary Bennett, a Mr. Collins, with some attachment (there are many) to the many distracting things that will bring more waste into my life.

And I have to say that the fear of becoming a Mrs. Bennett is highly motivating me to live my life with more wisdom :)

Loving through Listening

This year, I have taken on a new side-profession as a transcriptionist.  I listen to interviews and write down every word I hear. 

At first, my hope was to supplement my income a bit - to cover those incidental expenses that often come up.  But I didn't expect to receive another education on top of it.

I am learning the art of listening.  I am learning how greatly people need to be listened to. 

Listening seems so passive, doesn't it?  And in our culture, where we value doing, accomplishing, performing, listening doesn't really seem to matter. 

One day while transcribing, I heard something that the interviewer was doing with the people he interviewed.  He did what I think of as a tonal "lean-in" - something like, "Yeah? Really? Tell me more about that."

The interviewee spoke, telling a story, unfolding a few details.  The interviewer said something to the effect of, "No way! Well, when that happened, how did you feel? Did you feel angry, or were you kind of relieved?"

And this change gradually came over the interviewee - I heard it in the relaxed tone she started to have.  I heard it in the way she let the story flow.  I heard it in the way she started to let the interviewer in, to see a little more of who she was. 

It wasn't that the interviewer thought of good questions to ask - although he did.  But what he communicated through his attitude, through his tone, was, "I care. Tell me more.  I find you interesting, captivating.  I want to know your story. I am on your side.  You are a valuable person with dignity."

Thanks to psychology, we know the tricks that can help people to open up and to feel comfortable.  Counselors know them.  Car salesmen know them.  But what if we set aside the tricks and make them true? What if we learn how to look at each person this way - to really look, to really see the value of each person, to see a way in which that person is captivating.  To be able to listen to them, for the five-minute bus ride or the hour long coffee meeting, and to love them through listening? 

I have been listening to interviews and thinking about how I have conversations with people in general.  And I have learned that, to be a good listener, I have to let go of myself.  Which means - maybe the other person is captivated by scuba diving, and I know nothing about it at all - well, I need to let go of my world of knowledge and interests for that moment and enter into the world of scuba diving. 

Letting go of yourself also means that you are putting your listening ear to work for the other, meaning giving your full attention to the person, and to the conversation at hand.  This is often hard to do, suspending your attention, list of to-dos, and to be fully present.  But people can feel the difference. 

Listening also demands good, thoughtful responses - a sign that you have really been paying attention and that you are engaging with what the speaker is telling you. 

What would happen to our homes, our neighborhoods, our communities, if we took the time to listen carefully and to look carefully at the people we meet each day, to love them through listening?