Living a Daily Rhythm

My spiritual director is asking me to work on daily discipline. 

 

I love lists.  I love schedules, plans, and organizing mechanisms of all sorts.  I love to cross that little box and scratch out that little To-Do item.  But for some reason, my first reaction to her words last week was  - rebellion.  I didn't want to live each day by a list.  I didn't want to spend a certain amount of time in prayer, a certain amount of time exercising, a certain amount studying and working. 

 

 

The more I thought about it, the more I felt like life, with its momentary inspirations, feelings, impressions, would be locked into blocks of pre-planned, pre-scheduled time.  Would I become a robot?  Would I begin to lose who I am?

 

 

 

The word "Discipline" is a little scary that way.  It feels to me like forcing an order which isn't natural. 

 

But then I thought of a word that captured it better: Rhythm.  Getting my life into a daily rhythm.  Now, that isn't so bad.  That even sounds a little like music.

 

 

 

 

 

Out for a walk today, I was noticing how beautiful the leaves are at this time of year.  Especially in Minnesota, where Fall isn't just three days long.  Some of the trees are red, yellow and green at the same time, a natural sort of rainbow tree. 

 

 

Then it occurred to me how seasons can be appreciated because of this natural rhythm and order of time.  I love fall because of sweaters, hot cocoa, Halloween, dark houses lit up inside.  But then winter has its merits too - snow angels, snowmobiling (for my brother), gingerbread.  Nature isn't stifled by its rhythm; rather, the rhythm of the seasons enhances the beauty of each time. 

 

There are other rhythms, too, that give nature an order and a meaning, but also which enhance its beauty.  Tidal waves, for instance.  The presence of the golden mean. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then what about me as a human being? Can my own life be enhanced by living in a certain rhythm?  When I am not living under the sway of impulses and feelings, but rather living a disciplined existence?  And even with "rhythm," can there still be room for inspiration, adventure, impulses?

 

 

Here are a few things I've noticed:

 

*Now that I am exercising daily, I can feel that I am making progress.  I can feel my muscles getting more toned and am increasing endurance.  Knowing that I am making progress gives me a sense of purpose and joy.  Life feels like it has direction and is leading somewhere good.

 

*I don't feel like exercising every day, but I do anyway (most of the time).  I am conscious that my willpower is growing, and this is also an overall gain.  I am happy knowing that I can make goals and keep them.

 

*Making daily time for prayer has given me a focus to each day and a sense of direction.  God seems close and a part of each day, not just an afterthought.  This time for prayer and silence causes me to consider how to treat others, greater self knowledge and opens me up to necessary changes.

 

*Daily habits, like exercise, have opened my life up to unexpected joys.  When I watch Netflix or browse Facebook all day, I tend to feel sluggish and gross by the end of the day.  On my walk the other day, I noticed some really beautiful things that brought me a sense of awe and wonder.  I realized that in loving myself enough to make this daily habit, my life is opening up to receive joy. 

 

*Though discipline is hard, the overall results have been good (sense of purpose and direction, joy, gratitude, belief in myself).  These effects build me up rather than keep me down, and help me in turn to build others up. 

 

 

 

A Spirit of Impoverishment vs. The Kingdom Mentality

One day I identified a Spirit of Impoverishment in myself.  Where did it come from? It was such an ugly little spirit that I hesitate to reveal it in a blog.  Let's just say that if this spirit of impoverishment were embodied, it would look like this:

What sorts of thoughts come from a Spirit of Impoverishment?  Well, I suppose thoughts like this:
                   - "Everybody else has what I want. Everyone else has something figured out that I don't."
                   - "God doesn't really care about me, or has forgotten all about me."
                   - "I am always trying to catch up."
                   - "I will  never be fixed enough/healed enough/redeemed enough to live a joyful life."
                   - "God has a wonderful plan for everyone else's life but me."

And in the Spirit of Impoverishment, there was a lot of dwelling, and thinking, and living, in my own concerns. 

I felt impoverished of the Love that is bigger than myself. 

We condemn selfishness and greed in others, and we are horrified to find it in ourselves, and yet we often don't see that the underlying problem is fear:

Fear that we aren't loved.
Fear that if we don't grasp for ourselves, our needs will not be met.
Fear that if we don't dwell on our own concerns, no one else will care for them.
Fear that we will be forgotten if we don't assert control.
Fear that we are not loveable at heart.

When operating from this spirit, I found that my actions were those which increased a sense of self-loathing and insecurity, even as I hoped to overcome them.  I talked only of myself with friends.  I wore baggy or unattractive clothing.  I ate fattening foods and neglected exercise.  I spent more time alone.

At some point after I recognized the Spirit of Impoverishment guiding my thoughts and actions, I had another thought:

What if I thought of myself, not as this ugly gremlin, but as a beautiful princess in my Father's palace?

Okay, maybe this seems silly.  But the imagery worked for me.  If, inside, I believe that I live here:

That a good and gracious Father shares all that He has with me:

That I have been given gifts to share with all those in the palace, and that they also have gifts to share with me:

That there is a special place for me where I am treasured, loved and allowed to be who I am:

That there is enough for everyone in the castle, including me.

If I believe all of this is true, then,,,
                                        I no longer have to think only of myself. 
                                        I can accept that the gifts of others only increase the blessing for all.
                                        I am free to give what I have, not grasp for myself
                                        I live in a spirit of joy rather than of pain
                                        I am serene in the sense of my worth and the sense of being loved.

If I am operating from the Kingdom mentality instead of the Spirit of Impoverishment, I have found that I make better decisions. My thoughts are centered on those around me.  I take care of myself by exercising, eating healthily and getting better sleep.  I can be patient in bad traffic, knowing that my needs are going to be met, somehow, and even irritating circumstances can bring good.  I give myself more room to be. 

The Kingdom mentality focuses my attention on a good Father whose love is bigger than me, and this really does change everything.

Teaching is like playing catch

Teaching, I just realized, is like playing catch. 

As a teacher, I often catch myself struggling with a sense of over-responsibility.  If the student came unprepared (didn't know the notes, the hand position, the rhythm, or the music just didn't flow) there must have been something I didn't do right.  I work hard to plan lessons that cover every hole, every gap in understanding.

But I am a human being too - I miss things.  As hard as I might try, I can't see into my student's mind and see what he sees or understands. 

Sometimes the greatest thing I can do for my student is to stop doing for my student.  To stop covering all those gaps.  But usually then I feel like I am doing nothing to help.  It feels a little like I have stopped working hard for those results - learning.

Teaching is like playing catch.  In order to have success in learning, the student and teacher have to be present - physically, mentally, prepared.  Both have to be in tune.  Both have to be on time. 

If one (teacher or student) is doing all the work, taking all responsibility for the "ball" (learning), then the other (teacher or student) disengages, loses interest, loses a job and a role.  For successful learning, a teacher needs to have good boundaries - a clear sense of what is her responsibility, and what is the student's.  And students learn what their responsibilities are from the teacher.  If the teacher takes over whenever the student doesn't practice, the student learns that it is unnecessary to practice. 

One memory I have of growing up is how unprepared I often was for school.  I would forget to put all of my books in the same place each day, or forget an assignment, or skip over the tricky things in order to get finished with my homework as soon as possible.  My mom, on the other hand, was an extremely prepared and organized person.  I knew that whether I left my books scattered on the living room table, or by my shoes, they would be neatly sitting in my backpack the next morning for me to see.

By taking responsibility for me, my mom saved me from feeling the pain of my lack of responsibility from others.  Later on, I had to pay for the lack of good habits of preparation and forethought (well, I am still paying for them, honestly :) and I had to learn better habits.

Playing catch means that the student gains a sense of responsibility from the mistakes they make.  The teacher offers clear feedback and tosses the ball again.  The student gains an opportunity to try again and see whether learning is happening or not.